Falling More...

Whilst researching a first paddleboard for a friend, I was inevitably drawn to choose a new paddleboarding.  Honestly, I was not looking for myself but a review of the Shark SUP Performance Tourer 14 resonated with me. It's a tentative baby-step from Tourer to Race paddling.  With a flatter rocker line (yeah - I know what those are now too!) the nose carves through the water like I'm riding a torpedo as a sort of aquatic homage to the end scene of Doctor Strangelove.

There are various reasons to own this board, but I'd be stealing better informed comments from the review.

But then... 

Sunday was rough and I found myself at the beach alone just for a little look.  I had the Aqua Marina Magma with me in the car and a moment of madness took me.  Ten minutes later I was wet suited and running into the waves like a man possessed. 

Early attempts to take the down-wind stance proved difficult, and I was wet before I knew it.  Legs like jelly and I even took a hit to the jaw from my paddle on one tumble.  Defeated and drained, I knelt on the board and set off for the shore.  I wondered why I had had no luck catching a wave...   I'd tried to be as far back on the board as possible.  Maybe I should go further forward?   I crawled to the front of the board and knelt there to see if it felt any different.

Suddenly the universe swelled up around me and I was propelled forward.  There was no way to gauge my speed, but a healthy estimate would be four to seven hundred miles an hour.  I surged ahead with both a grin and fearful frown lines spread across my face.  It abated and I thought it was over, but then a final push had me land well up the beach with victory.   "Bloody hell",  I thought, "Well now I have to do that again."  The sea double-checked with me by slamming another wave into my back.  The board slurped out into the foam and I was dragged along with it.  Now laid face up, feet towards the water, the third wave slammed over me and then everything was just not that clear any more.

Unperturbed and still desperate to repeat what I'd just cracked, I brave three more attacks before getting beyond the break and into water I could try and paddle.  I was now moving in the down-wind stance slightly more confidently (or perhaps the constant dips had left me with nothing to lose) and started catching little spirts of speed.  At my penultimate effort, and a genuine surf moment (I think), I lost my balance and managed to get out "fuckety..." before a face full of ocean stole the end of what was presumably going to be a very Hugh Grant curse.  I was now back in the wash.   I turned to grab my board only to find it was travelling towards me at significant pace.   Again I was flipped about like a rag doll in an over-excited pooch mouth and found myself being dragged about over rock and grit.  After another incalculable montage of wave strikes, I again was in the open water and up on the board.

I looked down to check where my naughty leash had positioned itself following the furore only to find that my paddleboard was really quite red.  I cannot feel it, but there's damage somewhere.   I turn to shore, take two strokes and am again arse-tit-ward and a toy to the elements.  When I eventually wash up on the beach, my wetsuit is a fair distance up my arse and I have pebbles in my ears.  There is congealed blood-sand on my foot, so I hobble to the car with my kit in tow.  Investigation reveals a nice flap of skin missing from my big toe.  I look in the rear view mirror and see a large laurel of seaweed was wrapped around my head.  I burst out laughing and drove to the house.

Staggering into the bathroom and pulling off my wetsuit, about two hundred thousand pebbles explode across the room.  I limp to the shower and begin rinsing myself down.  Another two hundred thousand pebbles drop, this time out of my butt cheeks.  I burst out laughing again as I relieve myself of this shingle enema and cautiously check the foot.

I flopped onto the sofa and adopted a childish smirk that has not left my face as yet.

tf. x

Notes to self:

Ankle leash not suitable.  Research waist leash for better control of ones destiny.  Better prep for exit required.  Dry robe and an ability to get sorted out before the car would've been preferable.  Fresh water.  First aid kit.  


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Paddleboard Racing

Initial caveat: I have to remind that I think there is a line when considering amateur, pseudo-competitive sport.  It's not unlike the line between being environmentally conscious and going full-Guardian.  Essentially context needs to be maintained at all times.  You are not a professional athlete because you participate in a race on a weekend.  It's a bit of exercise.   A bit of fun.  There is a line at which you may teeter, especially at that midlife crisis sort of age, where you throw money and obsession at the thing in the hope that it somehow redefines you into something more than you are (when you are in fact already fine).  If you manage to win a race, you were the fastest person who chose to turn up on that day.  That might be smashing, but it's ultimately of little consequence. No one can contest that being in the atmosphere of an event spurs you on, but the danger of superciliousness exposure is very, very real.  I was reminded of t...
Read more

Why Water Voles?

Image
 I am being asked this a lot recently, since I've started devoting a lot of time and enthusiasm into water vole conservation in my local river community.  Last weekend I spent Saturday, under a punishing sun, in fishing waders and moving through a local ditch performing a survey.  I cannot begin to describe the excitement at finding compelling evidence of good old Ratty. I guess that's a good reason to start?  Wind in the Willows, which was devised and based on my patch of the world, has been an important book in my family since as long as I can remember.  I can still remember prodding my Dad to wake him up as he snored into the pages whist my sister and I waited for the next chapter.  My own children, especially my son, are also avid fans - long may this tradition continue. But for more "why" I have to go into the specifics of what they bring to the ecosystem.   There's plenty of chat about what we screwed up with waterways and flood management when w...
Read more

Race 2

Image
Another AquaPaddle event.  Initially I had no intention of attending this one.  I had friends over for a barbecue and successfully executed said barbecue in spite of atrocious weather and without causing any form of food poisoning (that I am aware of).   This did also feature ~5 cans of ale, and I'm not used to that sort of drinking at all anymore.  Sunday morning came and the sun was shining.  Who in the name of greek buggery expected that?!  So I pulled myself together, took some paracetamol, downed a couple of pints of water,  packed the car and headed off. An equally well attended event.  The sun was out and spirits were high, though I needed to wee-wee on arrival and there was nowhere to sneak off to.  You may remember from the previous post  that I was half mocked for my average fin and also shown in my first race how much top end kit can make a difference.  Having done some research, I had chosen to buy myself two Black Pr...
Read more