Siri-Fu

I have a friend - actually that’s an overstatement right away.  Let me start again.

So there’s this douche.

He and his lady wife brought another lady into their relationship some time ago.  I guess it’s important to get such taboos dealt with early on if you are so inclined and I dare say this makes them progressive.  This new squeeze was called Alexa and she seemed to be the answer to so many questions.  The wise girl who knew exactly how old the oldest person in the world was; who could pop the bedroom lights on to an inviting hue before the three of them retired to bed; who could be custodian of the shopping list and the DJ over Spotify.  When my friend asked Alexa a question when she, in fact, was not there, it had become clear that so pervasive was her influence on their lives that it was assumed she was always present.

In my life, there was Siri.  My non-gender-binary assistant essentially faced off my home automation.  Lights on, heating on.  Beyond that, we seemed to agree a long time ago that they didn’t really understand me and I rarely understood them.  Occasional forays were met with frustration, the response that would always leave me cold being “here’s what I found on the internet”.  Oh God.  What bizarre tangent have you gone off in this time, SILLY.  Hahaha.  Brave rhyming mockery for a man called Martin.

In April I took delivery of some AirPod2 headphones (I needed a seamless Apple device integration more than I needed to not look like an idiot with cotton wool buds sticking out of my ears) and the first thing I did was ask Siri “Play me All Saints”.  Siri replied, in beautiful stereo: “Which Saints would you like?” And proceeded to list about 30 artists with Saint in the name.  Argh... forget it.

No don’t forget it.  

We can make this work, Siri.  I have seen people make this relationship work.  You and I can develop a rapport, I’m sure of it.  Even if it takes a long time, surely machine learning can start to hear the desperation in my voice and start developing the gaps.  Maybe you won’t ever be Scarlett Johansen in “Her”, but maybe you can get the basics right?


I do like that.  It works for webpages and e-mails too.  The enrichment keeps the context in the reminder and that’s something you just cannot do in a bullet journal.

Walking down an empty train platform, I decided to ask Siri what reminders I had due that day.  Success.  I felt like some kind of dynamic man that needed a PA to tell him utterly mundane tasks a person with a PA wouldn’t do themselves.  I asked how my day looked and again was overjoyed to hear my jam-packed itinerary reeled back to me.  But then, as the platform started to fill, asking Siri questions became talking to my parents when they dropped me off at school.  Everyone’s looking, Mum.  That was going to be a problem.  And then, when I got to London, I caught my reflection in a window and saw the AirPods in my ears and had to take them out for embarrassment.  I wear a red cycling helmet and don’t feel I look like a goon...

After a little argument, I turned off “hey Siri” on my watch.  I wasn’t involved in this argument, all the people arguing were Siri.  For some reason my phone and watch kept snatching at my AirPods and really couldn’t decide who was answering me.  I shouldn’t care who is answering me though, right.  BUT...

Apple Watch and Shortcuts does not work.  I’ve read some claims people have this working but I am going to call those people wizards or liars at this point.  Siri seems to simply reply “I don’t know what you mean by that” which often left me confused and rephrasing shortcuts thinking it must be me and I’ve also found that if I ask Siri the same question three or more times, my Wife starts shouting at me.


And it should be fully mentioned that my use of Siri is really pissing my Wife off.  Last time I tried to use Siri in anger (the Bluetooth shower speaker thing) she famously quoted (if you say hey Siri one more time...)

To be continued...

tf. x
Location: London, UK

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